Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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