3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
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