i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
false alarm, still single
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize
