nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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