are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
