just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
