some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
