apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
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