dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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