Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
