My sheets look like a crime scene.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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