mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Randomize
