new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
