Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
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