I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Also, beer. Big fan.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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