I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I checked into jail on foursquare
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
