I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
