I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
