how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
