my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
