Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Randomize
