They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
