My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
