i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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