I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I just got carded by a ten year old.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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