I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
