sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i may or may not be watching the land before time
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
