I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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