Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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