So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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