She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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