College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
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