You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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