I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
