The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
