WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Randomize
