so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
