2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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