the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
