please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
