you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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