Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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