You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
