1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
