i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Randomize
