Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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