Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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