Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
