Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
