Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Randomize
